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Showing posts from June, 2010
England football jokes

LONDON - ENGLAND'S humiliating World Cup exit has unleashed a barrage of jokes on the Internet, where the team's highly-paid stars as well as coach Fabio Capello are fun targets.

Here are five of the best:

- Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said England's performance on Saturday was completely appalling.
British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

- Q: What's the difference between England goalkeeper Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
A: Robert Green has got a cap for his.

- Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping.
He stopped and asked, 'Can you manage dear?'
To which the old lady replied: 'No way. You got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out.'

- Illusionist David Blaine is h…
Phil and Jill had been married for many years but now were in divorce court.

The judge asked, ’Phil, is it true that the last three years of your marriage, you did not speak to Jill?’

Phil replies, ’Yes Judge, that is correct.’

’And how do you explain this unusual conduct?’ the judge inquires.

Phil replies, ’I didn’t want to interrupt her Your Honor.’
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers.

Nicholas Cage, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office oomph of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to
select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.

"Well," started Cage, "I’ve always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I’ll play him."

"I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I’d like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says........

"I’ll be Bach."

Actual Warning Labels

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.


"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"F…

Wisdom from Christ Note

Filling a church with people means nothing if lives are not transformed.
In most businesses, success is measured in numbers: amount of profit, number of customers, volume of sales, percent increase in revenue, etc. In the church, it can be easy to slip into the mindset of measuring success by numbers: number of members, amount of donations received, total square footage of the church building, number of regular attenders, etc.

However, God desires that His people adopt a different definition of success. In the church, success should be measured by transformed lives--not big membership, big budgets, or big buildings.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with being a big church; however, a big church doesn't necessarily mean a successful church. That's because filling a church with people means nothing if lives are not transformed.

Transformed lives are lives that are on fire for God. In Revelation 3:16, God is talking about that spiritual fervor and fire: "I know your deeds, …

You are holy

I saw the Lord seated on
His throne, He was clothed in glory
and exalted hi - gh and the train
of His robe filled the temple, the
angels circled around Him and cr - ied

Chorus:

You are holy, oh so holy,
You are holy Lord of all

Verse 2:

Woe is me, for I'm unclean,
for my eyes have seen the
Holy King, and He cleansed my lips
before I died and the pillars shook
as the angels cried

Lev 19:2 - "Speak to the entire assembly of Israel and say to them: 'Be holy because I, the LORD your God, am holy.

Eph 5:3 - But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.

God is holy...
Watch your mouth
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him,
- "How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied,
- "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Some thoughts which I have been wanting to voice

It's out of boredom that I want to voice out particular thoughts. You see, I have been taking a lot of MRT since my bus pass expired and you know, since the 9/11 incident and the JI thingy, the MRT stations have been showing a cheesy video about being alert and knowing what are the things to look out for in a possible terrorist.

I just wonder the usefulness of such videos, knowing that any terrorists will not stupidly behave like the stupid guy in the video and all the people will be as vigilant as the passengers in the video. Perhaps the reason why MHA wants to show that video is cos they wanna ensure people stay alert or at least know the possibility of terrorist attack in Singapore?
Last request
Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What’s bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O’Grady.
"Oh, father, I’ve got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that’s terrible. Tell me Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, ’Please, Mary, put down the gun...’"
Good questions

- When you see the weather report and it says "partly cloudy" and then the next day it says "partly sunny"; what’s the difference?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?
- Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
David Jones ...
(David Jones is an exclusive Aussie Department store)

This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shirt mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the
bartender says "Where´d you get the great pants mate?"

The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender says, "Where´d you get the great shoes and socks mate?"

The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in stark naked and the bartender goes, "Hey! Wait a minute! Who the hell do you think you are, mate?"

The naked guy sneers and says, "Who the hell do you think? - I´m David Jones!"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man. The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?" To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

一生的倚靠

榮美的救主 我仰望你面
你聖潔真光充滿我生命
我找到自己 在你救恩計劃裡
我願用我全心 用我全力 來榮耀你

你是我一生的倚靠
你給我溫暖的擁抱
我只想永遠 愛著你 緊緊跟隨你
我一生因你而微笑
當你的靈將我環繞
我獻上自己 做活祭 一生服事你我的主

沒有任何事物 能改變我決定
或改變我的心
當你用愛觸摸 我空虛的生命
我已決定
我已決定永不離開你

Acts 20:24 - However, I consider my life worth nothing, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

Roman 8:38-39 - For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither any heght nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Luke 1:38 - "I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said."

Psalm 118:8 - It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

Combing through the bible, I can find verses in almost every book that talks about God being our refuge, and us relying on God, being confident th…

我们爱让世界不一样

你和我是天父爱的创造
每个人有最美的梦想
一路上彼此照亮 扶持拥抱
我们的爱让世界不一样
我们爱因神先爱我们 虽你我不一样
我们一路唱 走往祝福的方向
我们爱因神先爱我们
心再坚强也不要独自飞翔
只要微笑 只要原谅
有你爱的地方就是天堂

1 John 4:19 - We love because He first loved us.

1 Peter 4:8 - Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.

John 13:34 - "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Jesus' central mission on Earth was to die on the cross for our sins. He has another mission, that was to disciple his followers during His ministry years to get them ready for the inception of the church. Some of the main teachings He left with His disciples include the concept of the Holy Spirit after His departure, the importance of the Word in our lives, the need to repent as the Kingdom of heaven is near. One important lesson He had to teach His disciples was love, to love one another. This was not a foreign concept to His disciples. A quick search in biblegateway on the word will yield 600++ results, with 4…

It is about time

I have been serving in the grassroot for some years now. 12 years to be exact, including 5 years officially in the RC. Recently, I have been appointed as assistant secretary in the committee. I thought it was quite ok. Then came some incident which happened.

In short, I told my chairman that I won't be able to turn out for some house visits sessions, Then she commented that I needed to find replacement. Judging from previous experience, I told her that I might not get a replacement. She then retorted how could I say that without even having asked first! Honestly speaking, I already had some misgiving with the chairman in the beginning, questioning her ability as a leader and character as a person.

It's about time that I leave the RC! Firstly, I certainly have outlived my expectation. Currently, volunteering in the RC no longer has any value add into my life. Things are sorta mundane for me now in the RC. It doesn't help that I really have other things better to do with m…

Malcolm Muggeridge: of Christ

We look back upon history, and what do we see? Empires rising and falling. Revolutions and Counterrevolutions. Wealth accumulated and wealth disbursed. Shakespeare has written of the rise and fall of great ones, that ebb and flow with the moon. I look back upon my own fellow countrymen, once upon a time dominating a quarter of the world, most of them convinced, in the words of what is still a popular song, that the God who made them mighty, shall make them mightier yet.

I've heard a crazed, cracked Austrian announce to the world the establishment of a Reich that would last a thousand years. I have seen an Italian clown say he was going to stop and restart the calendar with his own ascension to power. I've heard a murderous Georgian brigand in the Kremlin, acclaimed by the intellectual elite of the world as wiser than Solomon, more humane than Marcus Aurelius, more enlightened than Ashoka.

I have seen America, wealthier and in terms of military weaponry, more powerful than the …

Reflecting on 4.5 years of discipleship II

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think I still owe my readers the blog post on faith. Writing soon, akan datang.
But today I want to reflect on my own discipleship from another angle. One perspective was through the cgs that I have been in so far. Another perspective is through the people whom I work and discipled behind the scene. Again, I would like to tell the story in pictures:

Everything must have a start and I think I will start off from that. But I shall not elaborate much except that there needs to be a beginning and I believe what you see above was the beginning.


And it has been like this until today. But my own one to one discipleship is just part of the story. There is another side on the other end:


Part of the story also involves me making disciples on my part. Different sheep have offered different challenges but nonetheless, different level of relationships and satisfaction as well. But even behind all these are the people whom we eventually grew quite close as a result of our total committment in the jo…

An interesting experience

You all may not know, but sometimes when I see Christians on the street sharing the gospel, I will pose as a non-believer and listen to what they say, in the meantime, sprouting off some objections that I know the answers myself to see how they react to those questions.

The first time was Christmas last year, when SAC was doing so outside Plaza Singapura, and the people were just sharing about Christmas to the passerbys in the Christmas Village which they set up exhibitions on the Christmas story. That first time was a mild one, and I simply listened. I dun remember throwing in any spanner or what into the conversation since I was just interested in listening how they actually share. It was to be a refreshing experience to see people from other churches fervent to share the good news of Christmas to people on the street (somehow it is easier to do so during Christmas).

My second time was precisely last night, after my dinner at PS, I walked to the bus stop to take 190 home. Along th…

Useless facts about the bible

Total Number of Verses in the Bible: 30,442

Total Number of Verses in the OT: 22,485

Total Number of Verses in the NT: 7,957

These are facts of the bible that you absolutely has no need...

Reflecting on 4.5 years of being a disciple

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Ok, the ID2010 conference just ended yesterday, with a family day at Yio Chu Kang Stadium. Certain reflections came to my mind even as I went through the three days of intensive time with God, listening to His word and be ministered by His Spirit.

Looking back at my Christian life, I was actually quite amazed by how God has brought me through all these years as a disciple. It may sound self-flattering but it seems true today that right from day one, I have approached this whole walk as a disciple, whether I knew it or not, with being a disciple maker in mind, whether I was conscious or not. As people would know, my favourite verse (or one of those) has always been 'but seek first His Kingdom and righteousness'. As I look back, it seems quite clear (and I dun know why) that I was concerned with the Kingdom of God.

The journey was truly amazing and heart-ranching. It was not smooth. No disciple of Christ will tell you that it is a smooth sailing journey. It would have been a l…